In what may be my favourite story in a long while, and there are issues in that fact alone, a real life Jumanji took place over the last couple of days in Ohio. In a story that likely sounds too unbelievable for a movie script, a man that ran a 73 acre farm in Zanesville in east Ohio ran a ‘farm’ that housed roughly 56 animals. Now, of course, you may be asking there’s nothing unusual about that, this is a regular man who runs a massive ass regular farm. Well, that’s where you’re wrong, these animals are of the exotic variety, and I’m not talking about a spotted pig, or exotic birds. No, we’re talking about animals likes tigers, lions, bears, monkeys, wolves. If you’re wondering why the fuck would someone be allowed to keep all those animals in a place that’s not a zoo? You’re probably a normal human being.
The story gets crazier, the owner of the farm, Terry Thompson, 62, opened all of the cages and doors and let the animals loose, after which he promptly killed himself. The animals took off into the city. Can you imagine driving home after a long days work, and a 300 pound Bengal tiger walks past your car? The chances of which are pretty high, after all the farm did have 17 lions. Here’s a question, where the fuck do you find 17 lions from?! 17?!
The vast majority of these animals have now been found, and put down, causing some animal activists to say that that’s not right. That in and of itself makes me ask a couple of questions to the tree huggers, starting with where the hell were you when Terry had all these animals cooped up on his farm? The other thing question, did you want authorities to sedate these and return them to their natural habitat? It’s not like their natural habitat was north Ohio, and I don’t see no sheriff hailing a cargo flight to Africa. Authorities already had said that when they tried to tranquillize one of the big cats, it absolutely lost it’s shit. Well, duh! The most effective tranquillizer seemed to be the dude who actually drove into a lion on the interstate.
See how much damage one man full of crazy can do?